


The Unexpected

by stockingsandseams



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Community: trope_bingo, F/M, Fuck Or Die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-28
Updated: 2013-03-28
Packaged: 2017-12-06 18:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/738780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stockingsandseams/pseuds/stockingsandseams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is a truth universally acknowledged that at some point in your life, aliens will make you do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unexpected

“So you see, sweetie,” River said in her most sincere voice, which was normally a clear indication that she was highly amused and definitely not taking this seriously at all. “I’m afraid that if you don’t take me to bed right now, the world is going to end.”

The Doctor frowned. He looked down at the grey sand beneath his feet and then back up, past the altar towards the sky where two suns burned brightly. It wasn’t really his fault, he hadn’t been the one sending emergency “please respond right now before I do something awful like break the universe again” distress signals to the TARDIS (as opposed to the other emergency “please break me out of prison for a snog and a quick adventure” signals he received almost as often), and he certainly hadn’t been the one who started dragging him into very important political decisions that involved whole planets potentially exploding unless two Time Lords succeeded in the mutual joining of their energies in such a way that would dispel the centuries-old darkness threatening to eat the planet from the inside before he could even have a look round. They hadn’t even let him visit the gift shop, there was lots you could learn about a place from its gift shops and you could never have too many magnets with pictures of things when you travel through time and space in a box with lots of shiny metal bits inside. 

“We’re on Thepe,” River told him.

“Oh, well that’s just typical, isn’t it?” The Doctor raised his hands and gestured towards the sun-burned city before them. Then, to the alien standing beside them, entirely covered in the robe bearing the Thepian government’s emblem who had been tasked with the mission of ensuring that he and River did their part, so to speak, he explained: “I don’t mean just you, no offence. It’s this whole galaxy – as soon as you go past Cicarpous Major, everywhere you look there’s pon farr this and traditional rituals with our princesses that. Or else you just get asked to demonstrate how your species reproduces, and that’s really very difficult without a proper loom. Very messy.”

River nodded in agreement. “And don’t get me started on the planets which turn out to be home to some plant or other which acts as an aphrodisiac in humans.” She gave a theatrical shudder. “Now there’s one that I’m glad Amy and Rory weren’t with us for.”

“And you better have your fingers crossed Jack isn’t around either,” added the Doctor.

He had, in fact, stumbled across a variety of pretty pink crystals when he and Jack were travelling together, but he was saving that story for River’s birthday. Her smug smile told him that she’d heard it already. Better make it a good one when he got up to that part, then. Lots of detail about the heaving of Jack’s chest and the sweat running down his brow, a bit less about the exact atomic structure of the substance in question; River had impressed upon him the need for knowing your audience.

The emissary’s robe moved in a very anxious sort of way. “Are you refusing to assist us?” 

“No, no, don’t you worry,” the Doctor assured him. “Just call me Mr Helpy. Mr Helpful? Dr Lend-A-Hand?” River raised one elegantly-shaped eyebrow and the Doctor paused. “Well, we can talk about that later, I suppose. Should we just, ah, you know?”

The emissary sighed. The dust beneath their feet swirled around their feet in relieved and slightly-embarrassed circles. “Please. We have tried to acquire all the necessary equipment for your task, Doctor.”

Indeed, the altar in question was home to a veritable treasure trove of erotic items. Five sets of handcuffs, ranging in size, had been laid out next to a small wooden paddle, a string of beads, a small bar of chocolate and a feather boa. He picked up a large wobbly item which was about the size of a breadbox and looked like a pink tower wearing a bobble hat. It went _sploing_.

“So I see. And the – what is that, meat and potato pie? No, no, my mistake,” the Doctor corrected himself as he lifted up one of the pastries and took a deep sniff. “Cheese!”

“Some things did get a bit lost in translation, I must admit,” said River with a shrug. She slipped her forefinger around the Doctor’s braces and tugged him gently towards her and kissed him, surprisingly chastely considering that she was River Song and what they were about to do. 

The Doctor looked back towards the large wobbly pink thing that went _sploing_. “Right, yes.” To the emissary, who looked about as worried as someone covered entirely by cloth could look, he said, “No, you’ve done a very thorough job.”

“Your wife was quite clear,” the emissary said, relieved. River just smirked. The Doctor smirked right back as best he could. He didn’t really have a smirky face anymore, not a proper smirking type of smirky which could say things like "Spoilers!" without looking a bit funny. It was all very unfair, especially when River had already claimed the hair.

“Well, it was always going to happen at some point,” he allowed. “Might as well go for it now that you’ve been to all this trouble to find… an entire set of Barry Manilow CDs and a feather duster?”

River gave him a knowing sort of look, the kind of look that normally meant she was about to deface another important bit of geography. “Well, you never know when one will come in handy,” she said before perching on the edge of the altar itself and pulling him closer for another kiss. Some groping ensued, and the Doctor let out a surprised ‘ _eep_ ’. Then he wondered why he had even been surprised in the first place; he already knew that River was always very hands-on when it came to things which caught her interest and this was exactly the sort of situation which she would like taking advantage of. Very naughty, that, but then the Doctor had always had a bit of a soft spot for the bad girls. 

“No, you certainly – _ooh!_ ” The Doctor broke off as River pinched his bottom. He flailed like a badly operated sock puppet before grinning and returning her kiss. River slid her hands all the way up to his bow-tie and began to unravel it, nipping at her bottom lip. “Oh, Dr Song, you have been working hard on this.”

“Anything for you, sweetie.”

He pondered, briefly, whether that would also extend to popping into the gift shop with him when they were done. River was normally dead set against both tourist attractions and purchasing your souvenirs legally but they could probably find a point in time when Amy and Rory would love to get a postcard and the Doctor was building up quite the collection of novelty biscuit tins with things printed on them. You could never have too many tins. Very useful things, tins, especially good at holding biscuits and bits of string and everything else he would need to keep the TARDIS running smoothly. 

The emissary bowed. “Doctor, Doctor, I will leave you to complete your task in peace, unless there is something else you require?”

“Oh, no,” River purred, and waved the now-undone tie like a victory flag. “I think we have everything in hand.”

The Doctor smiled down at her. “Oh, almost everything,” he said, and charitably ignored the way River patted his cheek and murmured _Oh, sweetie_. “I don’t suppose you have a balloon?”


End file.
